The Grass is Always Greener...

on the other freaking side, isn't it? I honest-to-God feel like I have so many things going through my head right now that it's ridiculous. Here I am now with almost 2 months' perspective on leaving Chile... so what do I think? Did I make the right decision by breaking up with D? Did I make the right decision in leaving Chile? On the first count, I'd have to say yes. Diego and I aren't right for each other, at least not at this point in time, and God knows the last thing I need right now is a relationship (more on that later). As far as the second question, I'm not so sure. I, like many other people in this world, hate to have regrets. But sometimes it just happens. And now that a little bit of time has passed, and I have more perspective on the situation, I'm questioning my decision to leave Chile. Here's the thing: part of what's making me question it is that my new pololo and I... well... we're not exactly pololos right now, let's just say that. It's a complicated situation, and I don't know what's going to happen. But I do know that I miss Chile like crazy. I guess that's only natural, as is questioning such a huge decision. But honestly, I've felt depressed lately. And it seems that people are noticing, because last weekend I went home to spend Easter with my parents, and on Sunday they sat me down and asked if we could talk. Jeez, that's never good. Anyway, they basically said that they were worried about me, and that I just seemed different lately. One thing they were particularly worried about was that I had started a new relationship so soon after breaking up with D. They did (and do) have a point, but the new relationship just kind of happened, and I just kind of went with the flow. But their point was that I didn't exactly give myself time to recover from the end of such a serious, and at times very hurtful, relationship.

They're right, they're right, my parents are right. Seems to happen a lot. I guess I just feel kind of lost right now. Finding a job hasn't been so easy. I miss Chile so much it hurts sometimes. I miss talking to and hanging out with D (though not the relationship). My parents are worried about me. I feel really depressed sometimes. I'm not entirely sure if grad school for Spanish is what I should go after.

But on the bright side, I'm in the one place in North Carolina that I could actually conceive of living in right now, and I do love it. I have the beach, a beautiful town in general to live in, a great downtown area, etc. And I've found something REALLY cool that I enjoy doing, which is playing guitar and singing at Open Mic night on Mondays at this place downtown. I think that's been my saving grace lately. It's not the biggest deal in the world maybe, but to me it is. Because I LOVE playing guitar and singing. And it's giving me something to work toward each week, having to learn and practice new songs. Anyway, I don't even really know where I'm going with this post, but I guess the point is that I do wonder if I made the right decision in leaving Chile. It's part of me now. And I really miss the group of gringas I made friends with down there (you know who you are!) - wine nights up here just aren't the same. :(

TAR HEELS: 2009 NATIONAL CHAMPIONS!!!!!!

WOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh jeez, where to freaking start.. so I realize not everyone is as big of a college basketball fan as I am, but hopefully everyone at least knew that the national championship game was tonight (well, technically last night since it's now 3:40 in the morning), pitting Michigan St. against the Carolina Tar Heels (my alma mater). I made the drive this afternoon from Wilmington to Chapel Hill to watch the game in the Dean Dome with thousands of other screaming Tar Heel fans, and I'm SO glad I did. I lost my voice. I yelled. I screamed. I yelled some more. I jumped around when they played "Jump Around" at the beginning of the game. I jumped up and down and screamed and laughed in sheer freaking joy as the remaining seconds ticked off the clock, and my Tar Heels were officially announced as the 2009 NATIONAL CHAMPIONS. Then I yelled some more. And I sang the alma mater with my friends. And watched my Heels being awarded the championship trophy. And watched "One Shining Moment", which always brings tears to my eyes. I watched as Tyler Hansbrough, one of the most amazing players ever to play at Carolina, hugged Coach Roy Williams. And then...

I went out to Franklin St. and JUMPED OVER A BONFIRE. That's right, I did. And I'd do it again. Franklin Street is where we Tar Heels go to celebrate after beating dook (Duke) or winning a national championship. We set fires.... climb trees and light poles... occasionally flip over cars. You know, the standard fare. Jeez, was it a blast. So all I have to say is...

TAR HEELS, NATIONAL CHAMPS BABY!!!!! And this makes FIVE for us now - 1957, 1982, 1993, 2005 (my senior year!!!), and now 2009!!!! :) Can you tell I'm just a little bit happy??

What a Small World

This weekend I moved to Wilmington, NC, which is a beautiful little port city located about 5 minutes from Wrightsville Beach, and a few minutes from some other beaches. It has a nice downtown scene, and I've always loved it. Honestly, it was between Wilmington and Wake Forest for where I was thinking of moving, and Wilmington won hands down. I'm so excited about living here, and hopefully going back to school next spring. Anyway, last night I went out with the boy and his brother and a few of their friends to this place called Blue Post, which is a popular little bar downtown. While we were there, J's (the guy I'm dating)brother S got a call from these girls he knows who are studying abroad here at UNC-Wilmington, and they were wanting to hang out with us. Guess where the girls are from? Yep, that's right - CHILE. OHMYGOD I was so excited to hang out with them. We went back to S's house and he picked the girls up and brought them there, and it was like Christmas morning haha, I was just incredibly happy to be with Chileans again, and to be able to talk in Chilean Spanish. The girls were super nice - one was from Santiago and the other from Vina (don't have the tilde on this computer). Unfortunately, they both found Wilmington to be incredibly boring, but I can't really blame them. Coming from Santiago or Vina to a small place like Wilmington would be a big change. Either way, we talked for quite awhile and I was so glad to have met them. I seriously almost cried, I was so happy to be back with Chileans again haha. I miss Chile so much. Anyway, hopefully we can meet up again for lunch or something. Man, it's a small world. :)

Group Post: Why I Came to Chile and Why I Left

Well, I haven't posted in what, over 3 weeks now? There's a good reason for that, though, which I'll get to at the end of this post. To start off with, to talk about my reason for coming to Chile originally, you have to rewind back to the summer of 2005, after I graduated from Carolina. In May 2005, I thought I had everything figured out (HA!) - I had been accepted to law school at U of Richmond, to start in the fall, and had even gone so far as to score an apartment with 2 other girls at UR Law. I would graduate from Carolina, go to law school, and that was that. Little did I know, things were about to change drastically. I was given the opportunity to spend that summer in Salamanca, Spain, and little time to decide. The decision wasn't too hard, and I decided to do it. I wasn't studying abroad, however. I spent the summer of 2005 interning at a college ministry called En Vivo at the University of Salamanca, and I absolutely loved it. I'd studied Spanish for 3 years in high school, had taken some in college, and had been in love with the language for awhile. Well, I fell in love with Spain. When summer ended and the time came to leave, I cried and cried. And cried again on the plane. And started thinking very seriously about not going to law school, and trying to become a team member with the college ministry instead. This would've taken me back to Spain for at least 2-3 years, maybe longer.

When I got off the plane at RDU, where my family was waiting for me, my mom knew something was bothering me (she can always tell!). Long story short, I ended up telling my family that I didn't want to go to law school, and that I instead wanted to return to Spain. Fast forward a little bit - the organization with which I went to Spain also has college ministries at universities in Santiago, Chile; Tubingen, Germany; Birmingham, England; Puebla, Mexico and Bangkok, Thailand. There was no question in my mind, however, that I wanted to go back to Salamanca. Chile didn't interest me whatsoever. But when it came down to it, the place I was most needed was none other than Santiago, Chile. At first I was disappointed about not being able to go back to Spain, but I quickly began to get excited about the prospect of Chile, and began to read and research more. I first went to Santiago in August 2006, to visit. It was rainy and cold for most of the time that I was there, and to be honest, I didn't really like it that much. I moved to Chile in June of 2007, thinking I'd be there for 2 years. Things didn't go as planned for various reasons (differences with team members), and so I returned to the U.S. in October of 2007. In that time, however, I'd started dating a Chilean (Diego).

Naturally, the whole long-distance relationship idea didn't appeal to me, so I planned to move back to Chile to be with him. He basically was what drew me back to the country. I kind of went back and forth for awhile, and though I can't quite pinpoint the hour and moment that I fell in love with Chile (much like it's virtually impossible to pinpoint the exact moment you fall in love with a person), it happened sometime during the Chilean summer of 2008 (sometime during January to March, which I spent there). Unfortunately, neither D nor I were optimistic about job prospects for me in Santiago, and felt I'd be better off in the U.S. So back I went. I worked my butt off from March to August 2008, and was hoping D could come to the U.S., but it never worked out. At this point, I was seriously missing him and Chile. So I decided to move permanently to Chile in August 2008, and teach English. Luckily, I found a job and started in September, and things were great for quite awhile. I really do love Chile with all my heart, and loved living there (yes, I said "loved" in past tense). The truth is that I recently left Chile.

For many reasons, I broke up with D in February. And I'd thought I was strong enough to make it in Chile without him - actually I think I was, and am. But the decision to come back to the U.S. was influenced by many things - my family being here (especially watching my nephew grow up), an ever-growing desire to go to grad school (I'm now thinking of getting a Masters in Spanish), and an amazing guy who's really showing me what it means to love someone. Yes, that last part might seem crazy, as I'm recently out of a relationship with D, but it's a crazy story that deserves a post all its own. In a nutshell: I had one class with this guy in 9th grade (had a secret crush on him then), never saw him again, and recently reconnected with him after ELEVEN years through the wonders of Facebook. Anyway, kudos to anyone who's actually read through this entire long post, but I had to finally come back from my blogging hiatus and tell everyone that I'm no longer in Chile. Someday soon I'm going to write a post on why I love Chile (although words can't do it justice). But for now, just know that I made the right decision to come back to the U.S. Not saying I'll never live in Chile again, but now is not the right time.

Oh, and the truth is that I haven't blogged for this long because I couldn't bring myself to. I actually stayed away from reading the other Chile bloggers' posts because it was too hard. I really miss Chile right now, so I thought it'd be easier this way, but after this post I'm thinking that writing about what I'm feeling is better for me. Oh yes, and... I'm getting a Chile-related tattoo soon. ;)

Anthony Bourdain in Chile

My love affair (such as it is) with Anthony Bourdain began last summer when I discovered the wonderful world of hulu.com. Also known as the most amazing website in the world, where you can watch episodes of practically every TV series under the sun, as well as choose from a constantly growing archive of movies. What does this have to do with Anthony Bourdain, you may ask? You also may find yourself asking, "Who the heck is this guy and why am I reading a post about him?" Good question. As for the former, he's a pretty famous chef and author from New York City - you may have seen his show "No Reservations" on the Travel Channel. As for the latter, why you are reading this post right now, it's probably because you're really bored. I can't blame you, so am I.

Anyway, last summer I started watching episodes of the now-defunct "Kitchen Confidential", a show based on the book of the same name, which I am currently reading. Basically, after watching one episode of the show, I found myself wondering why it had ever been cancelled. It was hilarious, and basically details the career of Bourdain, including his many shenanigans involving booze, drugs and women. Oh yeah, and also cooking. The point is that I absolutely loved the show, and am loving the book, and am loving Bourdain. Not in that I-want-to-marry-him kind of way, but he just seems like a pretty kick-a kind of guy. And he's not afraid of playing a practical joke, which I like. One time, in a restaurant he was working in, he and another line cook wrapped one of their co-workers in plastic wrap (he was willing to do it, don't worry), covered him in fake blood, and put him in the deep freeze. Then, they called the General Manager of the restaurant over the intercom, saying that they were really busy and that they needed him to get something out of the deep freeze for them. Well, you can imagine what ensued. The poor guy, upon discovering one of his line cooks in the deep freeze, thought he had been murdered and almost had a heart attack. Bourdain and his friends were laughing all the way home.

So basically, I was pretty excited the other day to hear that Bourdain is coming to Chile. One of my students told me about it, knowing I was reading Kitchen Confidential. Supposedly, he's coming in March to give kind of a seminar that's open to the public. Sadly, I don't think I can afford tickets, but I'd love to go. I bet he'd be entertaining - if he's half as funny as his book, it'd be worth the price of admission for sure.

6 Months in Chile

Yesterday made exactly 6 months since I arrived back in Chile. It´s kind of crazy thinking that I´ve been here for that long now... sometimes it seems like forever, and other times it seems so short. A lot of things have happened in those 6 months, some bad, but most good. As far as how much longer I´ll be here, that´s still up in the air. But for now, I´m just happy to reflect back on the time I´ve spent in this beautiful country. :) Longer post to come later...

Missing Home

Well, I knew it would happen. Last semester I was loving life in Chile (not without my bad days, but for the most part loving it), but I figured that once I came back from my visit to the U.S. in December, I´d hit a low. And so I have. It´s part of culture shock that everyone goes through, and is magnified a little bit for me just because I´m so very close to my family. But either way, I´ve been feeling quite homesick lately. Not only that, but also kind of directionless... the thing is, I have really enjoyed my teaching job so far, but I know that´s not what I want to do for the rest of my life. The question is, what DO I want to do? I have no idea. I´m also not sure how long I want to be in Chile, although I still really do love the country and people. I´ve really been getting the itch lately to go back to school... my DREAM would be to return to UNC-Chapel Hill, the place where I spent the best 4 years of my life. Of course, it´s pretty hard to get in there, so I don´t know that grad school there could be a reality. Who knows.

Another thing that really made me miss home, and even miss high school (shocking, I know) happened the other day. A guy I´d had one class with in 9th grade (and hadn´t really seen since) messaged me on Facebook, saying, ¨Do I know you?¨ ... he quickly realized I´d been in that class with him, and we started talking. It was seriously great to talk to him, because I realized what a nice person he was. And this is something I had no idea of back in 9th grade. Because in 9th grade, I was incredibly shy. I´m still a pretty quiet person now, but I´ve come out of my shell a lot more. But back then when he was in my class, I was too scared to talk to him. For one, because I was shy, but also because he had this bad boy image that was completely the opposite of the people I hung out with. So basically, I judged him based on his appearance. Looking back, I kick myself for doing that. That´s someone I never want to be, someone who judges on appearances and consequently misses out on some really great friendships. And that´s exactly what happened back in 9th grade - I missed out on knowing a really great person because of my prejudices. Luckily, 11 years later, I have another chance to be his friend, and it´s great. Anyway, this whole episode has just made me miss high school, old friends, and home even more. I miss my parents, my brother and sis-in-law, my nephew, my Boston Terrier dog, North Carolina BBQ and people and weather... the list could go on. But here´s to hoping that I find direction soon!