on the other freaking side, isn't it? I honest-to-God feel like I have so many things going through my head right now that it's ridiculous. Here I am now with almost 2 months' perspective on leaving Chile... so what do I think? Did I make the right decision by breaking up with D? Did I make the right decision in leaving Chile? On the first count, I'd have to say yes. Diego and I aren't right for each other, at least not at this point in time, and God knows the last thing I need right now is a relationship (more on that later). As far as the second question, I'm not so sure. I, like many other people in this world, hate to have regrets. But sometimes it just happens. And now that a little bit of time has passed, and I have more perspective on the situation, I'm questioning my decision to leave Chile. Here's the thing: part of what's making me question it is that my new pololo and I... well... we're not exactly pololos right now, let's just say that. It's a complicated situation, and I don't know what's going to happen. But I do know that I miss Chile like crazy. I guess that's only natural, as is questioning such a huge decision. But honestly, I've felt depressed lately. And it seems that people are noticing, because last weekend I went home to spend Easter with my parents, and on Sunday they sat me down and asked if we could talk. Jeez, that's never good. Anyway, they basically said that they were worried about me, and that I just seemed different lately. One thing they were particularly worried about was that I had started a new relationship so soon after breaking up with D. They did (and do) have a point, but the new relationship just kind of happened, and I just kind of went with the flow. But their point was that I didn't exactly give myself time to recover from the end of such a serious, and at times very hurtful, relationship.
They're right, they're right, my parents are right. Seems to happen a lot. I guess I just feel kind of lost right now. Finding a job hasn't been so easy. I miss Chile so much it hurts sometimes. I miss talking to and hanging out with D (though not the relationship). My parents are worried about me. I feel really depressed sometimes. I'm not entirely sure if grad school for Spanish is what I should go after.
But on the bright side, I'm in the one place in North Carolina that I could actually conceive of living in right now, and I do love it. I have the beach, a beautiful town in general to live in, a great downtown area, etc. And I've found something REALLY cool that I enjoy doing, which is playing guitar and singing at Open Mic night on Mondays at this place downtown. I think that's been my saving grace lately. It's not the biggest deal in the world maybe, but to me it is. Because I LOVE playing guitar and singing. And it's giving me something to work toward each week, having to learn and practice new songs. Anyway, I don't even really know where I'm going with this post, but I guess the point is that I do wonder if I made the right decision in leaving Chile. It's part of me now. And I really miss the group of gringas I made friends with down there (you know who you are!) - wine nights up here just aren't the same. :(
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9 comments:
Wow, I came across your blog at the right time. I just left Argentina a couple of weeks ago and I am emotionally in the same spot. Left a relationship too, yet that seems to be in limbo land. Adjusting from South to North isn't so easy.
I totally hear you on feeling depressed and questioning your big decision to leave a place. I'm inclined to think that all of it is natural.
Hang in there and I'll be following your blog, hopefully you keep writing in it :-)
what an honest post. i'm sure you must have a lot to think about right now. good luck with all the decisions. sometimes in life we jump from one relationship to another in what seems like lightening speed. I broke it off with a boyfriend of 2 years for my Chileno and now he and I are married! so you never know. as for grad school, maybe you should put off making big decisions like that until you have some clarity about what you want and hwere you want to be. i rushed into law school and in retrospect probably should have waited a year longer.
It sounds like you are starting to seperate the country from the man. Which is hard. That question of if I have to leave one, why did I have to leave both? And maybe you did. And maybe you didn't. And maybe you will come back. I am glad that you are able to acknowledge the duality of it all and how it tugs you. I am glad you have open mic night and something to look forward to. It is hard to rebuild a home and a community; but you will-- be it in NC or if you come back to Chile or if you move on.
Hang in there friend!! Re-entry is never an easy thing (I've studied abroad a few times) and there IS a difference between coming home and having a hard time readjusting and wondering if you made a wrong decision. Hopefully you can sort things out. It's not a an easy nor a short thing to do. But we all definitely miss you when we drink wine!
xoxo
I second what Emily said, we do miss you!! I'm sorry that you're going through this and I hope you are able to figure it all out.
I hope you figure out where you should be soon and if you decide that´s Chile, I and several other gringas will be thrilled. I miss you tons. If you ever want to talk, let me know because it´s so hard going through transitional phases and figuring out what you want to do. We have a glass here waiting for you though :)
I am in such a similar position, right up to having an ex-pololo with the same name...it is so hard truly knowing what is right and really being able to trust yourself and your decisions. i left in december, never really grieved over what really was a loss, and find myself only now waking up to the reality and feeling it in a real way. i guess what i have learned that may help is the value in trusting yourself. these kinds of challenges make us face ourselves, so i wish you luck during this difficult process, know you aren't alone! i'm up here in DC going through a similar thing.
I'd like to introduce myself. http://www.leopardfilmsusa.com/people/leopard-usa/bowler I'm a casting producer on HGTV's House Hunters International. www.hgtv.com/house-hunters-international/show/index.html The show follows the stories of people's relocation around the world. We're looking to find a story about an American or Americans relocating to Chile and after reading a little bit of your blog I was wondering if I could talk to you about being on our show.
You can reach me at my office until 6pm today.
I look forward to speaking with you.
Sincerely,
Richard Bowler
Richard Bowler
Associate Producer / Leopard Films USA, Ltd.
127 East 26th Street New York, NY 10010
+001 212 843 2821
www.leopardfilms.com
www.hgtv.com/house-hunters-international/show/index.html
Hi!
My name is Victor Velásquez and I´m journalist in Santiago. Well I´d like to know if you are in Chile, because we are making a tv show so I need some people to make a few interviews for the tv show.
If you can talk with me, I give you my mail: victor@mediatuna.com or my mobile phone: 9128 9753
Bye...
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